QA by the rules
What do parents teach modern parenting books? Let’s open at random any. “If you feel offense, ask yourself what made the child inflict it on you”, “… you should treat your hobbies with respect, even if they seem empty or harmful to you, they have the right to their own desires and mistakes”, “ … avoid talking with your child between things, standing facing a stove or sink, etc., he should feel your full attention. ” And finally, the authoritative opinion of American psychologists is given: according to vital indications, it is necessary, as they say, to hug a child at least four times a day! So, if the child appeared instead of two at half-past five without one mittens, with wet legs and a “deuce” in Russian, mother, having been exhausted, having canceled the hairdresser and the visit to the dentist, turned everything upside down, but could not find the analgin, the rest of the ill-fated day cuddle with your child two, three, or even all four times? Just think of a princess on a pea, fingers in ink, a hole on her knee, “chu-chu”, “ch-shcha” can’t crawl! She and the first strawberry, and tickets for the “Blue Bird”! Resent the insult, put off things, caress and hug! And tiredness and nerves? Sickness and frustration? Troubles at work, insomnia, evil neighbors, a kitchen child and a broken faucet? After all, an adult also has the right to own pain, unforeseen loss, vulnerability and fear, and a bad mood in the end! … you return home in the evening. You want hot tea, peace, quiet conversation. But we have to urgently eliminate the consequences of the grandiose “shipwreck” that took place in the bathroom, talk with our neighbors, reassure our eldest daughter, who is late for a date, and take part in the search for the umbrella that disappeared in the disaster. “Do you realize what you are doing? .. How many times should you tell! .. Why do you take other people’s things without demand ?!” Noise, din, threats, tears, finally, “I will no longer be”, pain in the temple, spoiled evening. At this point, discussions about the child’s right to their own desires and mistakes seem to be another cabinet utopia, and you come to the conclusion that scandals are inevitable. But the morning of the evening is wiser. When the passions subside, we will think about their consequences for you, useful and harmful. +1 Emotional stress relieved. The world froze in ruins, preparing for a new creation. +2. At least a temporary victory was won, if not final. The water murmurs peacefully in the bathroom, things are in their places, the son sniffles over textbooks for the second day, looking around cautiously, hearing your steps. -3. Loss of previous contact with the child. He becomes noticeably more cunning and cunning. What does he cover with his shoulder? Why is the left pocket of his jacket so strangely protruded? “Are you up to something, son?” – “No, mom.” But for some loud sound, for some reason you start to flinch. -four. Without really knowing how to think, easily imitating, the child learns the “military path” as the only way to resolve conflicts. Very soon, alas, you will have to make sure of this. -five. If your victory turned out to be complete, the child’s resistance is broken once and for all, he no longer dreams of brigantines, or filibusters, or Captain Flint, but strives to meet your ideal – attention! Refusal of independence, initiative, willingness to follow authority and power are convenient only in early childhood. In adolescence, authorities change, but the habit of obedience remains. Bad influences, unfortunately, too. -6. Some children, for the time being successfully hiding their special sensitivity, suddenly find all the signs of a neurotic state as a result of family dramas – fears, jealousy, infantility, etc., which usually take poor parents by surprise. -n. In the “battle arena” it is difficult to resist harsh words and offensive expressions. Following this, as a rule, painful repentance follows, although you continue to feel the culprit in the conflict of the child. In this situation, asking for forgiveness for your actions is especially difficult. But your guilt will still manifest itself, only awkwardly and inconsistently, exacerbating tension in family relationships. Read also: Moscow city, Perovskiy district where you can get a vaccine against hepatitis and paid if 5 mm manta ray is a reason for refusing to get a BCG vaccine; atopic dermatitis in infants; forum how to note 16 years in Karaganda modern poems from March 8 So, there are only two “pluses” and “Nth” number of “minuses”. The picture is quite clear. But this is not much easier. Even trying to avoid sharp corners, calling for all our patience to help, we often only grow elephants out of flies. Sooner or later, this will be revealed when we are not able to restrain ourselves anymore, we will give ourselves free rein. But meanwhile, it certainly happened more than once that the heavy clouds hanging in the home sky suddenly passed by, only slightly sprinkling with rain. In an atmosphere of an approaching thunderstorm, it is usually difficult to discern what exactly served for the good. Therefore, I want to draw your attention to some cases when, without knowing it yourself, you turned out to be a peacemaker using one of the important psychological discoveries.